Stop Being Nice

In the dictionary, the word nice means pleasant, agreeable, satisfactory, fine or subtle. 

I also found these details about its origin from Oxford Languages online that I find interesting. It meant ‘stupid’ in Old French and from Latin ‘ignorant’. Other early interpretations included ‘coy, reserved’, giving rise to ‘fastidious, scrupulous’: this led both ‘fine, subtle’ (regarded by some as the ‘correct’ sense).

We have been conditioned to be agreeable by parents who raised us to “play nice” and more recently, by a social landscape littered with bodies of people who have been cancelled for not towing the party line. 

If you don’t agree with the narrative of main stream media and the prevailing popular thought on TikTok, then you are called names and vilified. if you express an independent thought, you may lose your career, your relationships and maybe even your freedom. We see it with our own eyes, we feel it in our gut, “Don’t say what you think. Don’t even think. Just smile and nod.”  We’ve all had the experience of someone asking how we are because we are clearly raging mad, but we grit our teeth and seethe, “I’m FINE”. 

Is “fine” what we want to be? 

Being “nice” is making us sick. 

There is a difference between being nice and being kind. Nice is performative. We are nice when we want to get something, when we are manipulating the situation, or when we don’t want to ruffle feathers because we gain something by not making waves. In contrast, kindness comes from the heart.

When I looked up “kind,” I found several definitions:

1. of a sympathetic or helpful nature (was helped by a kind neighbor, They were very kind to us.)

2. of a forbearing nature : gentle (kind treatment of animals)

3. arising from or characterized by sympathy or forbearance (a kind act, a kind smile)

4. of a kind to give pleasure or relief (cooled by a kind breeze)

If you are a deep thinker, with strong convictions, a time will come when you will feel compelled to say what you think. Our current political landscape tells you not to do this if you don’t agree with the masses. Or more honestly, if you don’t agree with the main stream media that is pushing a narrative that supports one political party. So what happens then? If you want to be “nice,” you don’t say anything at all. This is what the opposing side wants from you. Silence. And this is what the enemy of your soul wants too. Because if you are silent, you will get sick. If you cannot be honest, you will get sick. If you are sick and weak and silent, you cannot stand for goodness, you cannot heal, you cannot be whole. If you are sick and dependent on the government, you will never question the government. If you are sick and dependent on the world, you will adopt the world’s way and reject God. You will not be free.

It’s a spiritual battle. 

I often talk about discernment and I let many things pass without a comment. I’m a big believer in responding rather than reacting. I am not a fan of knee jerk reactions and I believe the 24 hour news cycle has us all spinning out of control. There is pressure to respond immediately to everything that’s out there which is not always wise or discerning. However, some things need to be called out. They don’t all need to be called out on social media though. Sometimes all we need is to speak honestly with a spouse or family member or friend. If you are a writer, you write about it, like I’m doing here. We are all called to process and proclaim in unique ways.

In the last few days, I saw something that was so cringe to me, I was embarrassed and outraged. It was “White Woman: Answer the Call Zoom” for Kamala Harris. Did you see this? First of all, calling it that is deeply offensive. I am so sick of identity politics. Why is everything about race and gender? This is harmful and backwards. The tone of the leader on this call was so condescending, she addressed the women on the call as if they are kindergarteners. But worse than that, she claimed, “BIPOC women have tapped us in as white women to step up…” and “As white women, we need to use our privilege to make positive changes. If you find yourself talking over or speaking for BIPOC individuals or God forbid, correcting them, just take a beat and we can put our listening ears on.” I was so stunned I thought, “Is this a parody?” But sadly, it was not.

The Free Press posted about it and because they are wise and fair, I headed to their comment section to see what their followers had to say. I found thousands of people who felt like I felt. Bewildered. Shocked. Grossed out.  Many pondered, “Who talks like that?” Or “How is this not racism?” And “This can’t be real. It’s an SNL skit, right?” But it’s real. And today apparently, there was a zoom call for ‘White Dudes for Kamala Harris.” Can you imagine if there was something like this for Trump supporters? The media would be screaming “racists” from the rooftops!

I don’t think women of any color need to be condescended to or labeled by their race or gender. (Or men for that matter!)  I believe if we speak to each other like adults, with respect, we will find we have a lot in common and we all want similar things like peace, opportunity, health, safety, unity and freedom. All the women and men I know are intelligent and capable and thoughtful. No one needs to “tap” me to use my “privilege” – that notion is pompous and patronizing.

But we are supposed to pretend it’s all normal. If we point anything out, even if it’s obvious and egregious, we are called names and shamed back into isolation. The outrage over the Olympic opening ceremonies is a perfect example. Deeply faithful people voiced valid concern over the obvious mocking of the Last Supper and were instantly shamed on social media, being told they “Obviously don’t know history or art.” What? The gaslighting is intense. No wonder people are depressed and disoriented. 

Our niceness has allowed some really strange things to take root. And it’s time to root them out. 

In the spirit of the “kind breeze,” example in the definition above, I would like to offer some relief to my intelligent, thoughtful, highly capable and discerning conservative leaning women who have been silent in the name of being “nice.” Let’s do better than nice. Let’s be honest. 

Some of the things going on right now are not right and it feels good to say it. 

Stop being nice. Be free instead.