I read a review of a book in the Tribune today. It’s written by a veteran of the Iraq war. I read the interview with him and he talked about how it’s difficult when you get back from war and you feel like you don’t fit in, like nobody understands you.
I also read a blog today that talked about the high school lunch room – a mom was writing it and talking about how when she walked into the lunch room as an adult, she described it as “terrifying”. Meaning, now, as a mom, it’s still terrifying.
Then I was at my son’s football game and a mom came over and started talking about how her son is from out of town and he doesn’t know “a soul” on the team. She didn’t put any judgment on this – she didn’t say it was good or bad but I could feel the underlying anxiety.
Those examples are just from today.
Every day holds its own capacity to make us feel alone. Separated. Unknown. Every situation requires us to show up, step out, and hold our head up. It’s exhausting.
What comes up for you when you are reading this?
Put yourself in the position of walking into that lunch room or that party or the PTA meeting or the open house or the new job or the football game or the new class or the new church group. How do you feel? How do you show up?
A friend told me to pay close attention to what comes up for me in these situations because that is what I need to wrestle with and uncover.
Here’s what comes up for me.
I want to be known so I get super talkative and friendly. I want to be heard so sometimes I get loud. I want to be liked so I don’t say anything remotely important. I want to fit in so I dress nice and clean up that day – sometimes I’m literally uncomfortable with too low jeans or too high heels or spanx that make it hard to breathe but I look relatively good and I fit in with all the other ladies (who I’m guessing may also be uncomfortable).
So…In summary, I want to be known, I want to be heard, I want to be liked and I want to fit in. (Geez, I’m trying not to judge myself but that looks really sad in writing.) The problem is sometimes these things get in the way of me being what I really want to be which is honest, real, vulnerable and connected to others in an authentic way.
I’ve been paying close attention to this stuff for a while now because I’d say a few years ago, I became aware of feeling “not good” sometimes when I was out in groups. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I felt not like myself. Not supported. Not real.
I’m sure many of us have felt alone in a room full of people.
I got sick of the conversation. I got sick of hearing about how everyone else’s kids were “thriving” while I felt like mine were just struggling to find their way. I got sick of hearing about the Ivy League college scholarships that were being pursued while I was still dealing with speech therapy and trying to get my kids to brush their teeth. I didn’t want to talk about traveling soccer or the 20 camps other people’s kids were in. I didn’t want to complain about how much I was driving and how much it all costs. It felt like a competition I did not sign up for. I was bored and kind of irritated.
This is not an indictment of other people. I could make it that. I’ve tried to make it that. I’ve tried to complain that the problem is this town and its affluence or this culture and its shallowness or this world and its lack of direction. But none of that is true.
The first step to real transformation is truth. And the truth is I wasn’t living authentically. Nobody made me go to those events or have those conversations or wear those jeans. Those were choices I made even if they didn’t make me feel good. And sometimes, truth be told, a lot of those times were fun and I did feel good. It worked until it didn’t.
As I’ve gotten older, I have felt the need to regroup and reconsider and redirect. I have had the nagging suspicion that there was more to life…that there might be a more genuine way for me to show up. I’ve realized I can make choices that lead me to live the life I really want…the one with honesty and vulnerability and authentic connection with others.
All of those feelings that come up…those are promptings from God…little holy nudges…asking us to bring awareness to how we feel and to make changes if they are warranted.
I’m not saying we will never again feel lonely in a crowded room but maybe we won’t feel that way as often.
The good news? This is not Junior High or High School. You do not have to do what everyone else is doing. You do not have to change in order to find a seat at the lunch table. You can create your own lunch table…your own life. And when you create a life from a place of authenticity…people will be lining up to sit with you. And that will be a lot more people sitting together, feeling less alone. And that’s a really, really good thing.
On that note…Flourish starts this week! Woo-hoo can’t wait!! It’s not too late to join us!
On another note…I’m sorry I’m not including audio each time like I said I would. It’s too difficult to find quiet time to record it! You would be hearing dishes clanging, children talking, tv noise, music, the washing machine… who knows what! I will just have to include audio when I can find some quiet time to record. (This is just until my husband buys me that farmhouse with a renovated barn/office/ yoga studio) 
. Thanks for understanding.