Born Again on My Birthday?

I just spent a week in Arizona at a Holy Yoga Instructor Training Retreat.  Since I’ve been home, I’ve been waving my arms around a lot saying, “Praise Jesus!” and meaning it.  I had things I planned to do today but I didn’t do any of them.  I read some of my Bible, I prayed, I shared time with friends, I listened to music, I danced.  My husband asked me how my day was and I told him, “I didn’t get much done but I praised Jesus and I didn’t take on another yoke of slavery”.  Victory!

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.  -Galatians 5:1

Jesus opened my heart on retreat.  It was like I had open heart surgery.  It took a few days of hand holding and watching and warming up before I’d let Him in.  I guess this would be considered the “prepping for surgery” time.  Although, now I know He’s been prepping me my whole life.

And then Jesus, the great healer, went in and opened my heart.  He held a mirror up to it so I could see it too.  We looked together…Jesus and me.  He held my hand and made me feel safe and then we peered in and we found some stuff. We found pride and ego and a sense of entitlement.  We found fear and a need for affirmation and a habit of performing.

It kind of hurt.   There were a lot of tears. I didn’t want to disappoint Him.  I want Him to like me.  Because my whole life I have loved Jesus.  I thought I was showing Him my love by working for Him. But in working for Him, I had built up some walls that shut Him out.

I was outwardly Holy and inwardly kind of holey.  There were holes of defensiveness and fear.  My heart was messy…it had some grudges in there and some judgment.

I told Him I’m sorry and I didn’t see and I didn’t know and I’ll do better and I’m ashamed and I’ll fix it and I’ll make a list and I’ll improve and I’ll be different…and He told me to just rest.  It’s okay.  He understands.  He loves me.  He’s proud of me.

He sat with me for a couple days…he stayed with me and listened and watched and held my hand.  He walked with me.  He saw me striving and hoping and planning to “fix” my self.  He suffered through this with me.   He waited.  I asked Him for help.

And then a few days later, He took me into my heart again.  He promised we would walk together.  We went in and it was different.  It wasn’t so holey.  Some of those things were gone and I hadn’t even had time to work my list yet!  I felt good.  He showed me where the holes were and now I saw different things there like love and gratitude and forgiveness and grace.  Then we laughed together and sang together and danced with a bunch of friends who also just had heart surgery.  It was so good because He is so good.

Then He told me to rest.  To receive His love and just rest in Him.  He asked me to spend time with Him and His word and to talk to Him every day.  He told me I don’t have to earn His love.  I have it already, abundantly, forever.  He set me free.

It is my desire to lavish my love on you.    -1 John 3:1

It happens to be my 44th birthday today.

Funny…I feel like a newborn.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.                                            The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.                                                   -2 Corinthians 5:17