Dad – Sue Bidstrup / Great Big YES!

“Good writing is always about things that are important to you,

things that are scary to you,

things that eat you up.”

—John Edgar Wideman

It’s Father’s Day. It’s a tough one for me. My dad died 13 years ago.

I woke up and read my email from the Writer’s Almanac. There was a poem called “Yesterday” by W.S. Merwin. I cried. It was 6:45 am.

I made coffee. Got the paper. Read the article by John Kass “A Father’s Day Gift to Dream About”. I cried again. It was 8:28 am.

I miss my Dad.

I want to make this day special for my husband but I guess when it boils down to it, I just want my Dad.

In the end, when we are in our 90s, do we still just want our Dads?

Am I always going to feel like a little girl, dying to sit on his lap one more time?

Am I ever going to love this day? Am I ever going to be able to just remember, without tears?

Maybe if I hadn’t read the poem…or the paper.

Then I read the quote above and I was reminded. Reading the poem or the book or the paper is always a frightening proposition. If the writing is good, when I’m done reading, I will be different. I will remember or discover or realize or awaken. If the writing is good, I will be changed. This is why I read. This is why I write.

Some of you never knew your Dads. Some of you had Dads that were mean or absent or drunk or troubled or angry or philandering or violent. I’m sorry. This day is probably not easy for you either.

When my Dad passed away, my mom told me and my brothers, “We are not going to feel sorry for ourselves. God gave us this beautiful man and we are blessed.”

I told myself that then and I tell myself that today and every Father’s Day. It’s true. I am blessed. But then why can’t I stop crying?