Okay, many of you have recently dropped off your kids at college. Or maybe they are in high school. Or maybe they are young adults out navigating the real world. Heck, this applies to any age. There are times our kids will come to us with some drama. But I’m thinking especially of the kids who are going away for the first time and you are assuming (wrongly) that they are fully adult now and can handle whatever life throws at them. You are thinking your job is done. Think again.
Here’s the scenario. Your daughter calls you from college crying and telling you that she wants to quit, her roommate is evil and everyone is mean and her classes are too hard and she misses home. She is bordering on hysterical.
Now, if you are like me, maybe there have been occasions when you have gotten wrapped up in this drama. (Who me?) Maybe you respond to every text even if it’s every 5 minutes for an hour. Maybe you let her go on and on for hours. Maybe you even contribute to the confusion and chaos by adding in non helpful opinions and rants. It’s okay, but it’s time to stop. Here are some useful tools to redirect the conversation and teach your child some coping skills they can use for the rest of their lives. Maybe even with their own children one day! 🙂
Okay, so you receive the hysterical call. It could be friend trouble, relationship drama, they could be in legal trouble, they could have failed a class, there are any number of reasons you might get this call. These tools will help in any case.
Your job is to not join in the hysterics. Your job is to ask questions.
The first set of questions will be Objective, the second set of questions will be Reflective, the third set of questions will be Interpretive and the fourth set of questions will be Decisional. (ORID)
Objective: What is true? What are the facts? Who, What, When, Where, How. These are things everyone could agree on. They are neutral facts. No opinions here.
Reflective: How do you feel? This is a time for maybe a little venting, not going off on a tangent about other people but sticking with, how do YOU feel? Angry? Sad? Rejected? Scared? How will you feel if it was different? Maybe thinking of a couple scenarios and asking how that would feel?
Interpretive: What does this mean moving forward for YOU? What are your options? What are the pros and cons of different actions you can take? How will this affect you? What areas of your life will be affected? Who else will be affected?
Decisional: What will you do about this? What is the next step? What resources will you need? How can I support YOU in YOUR decision?
If we want to teach our children how to be emotionally mature adults, we have to teach them how to think, process, and make decisions. They are not born doing this. We can practice with them and we can even use this in our own lives when we feel like we might be acting a little dramatic. (Who me?)
I hope it helps! I’d love to hear feedback if you use it!
I dive deeper into this topic on podcast episode #55: How to be a No Drama Mamma!
If you are interested in learning more about one on one coaching with me, schedule your first 20 minute coaching call with me for FREE here. I would love to work with you!