I woke up this morning with a pit in my stomach.
School is starting and I had a dream that I couldn’t find all the forms I needed to turn in for registration.
It’s the grown up take on a childhood nightmare. You are late. You missed the test. You failed.
Oh how we run from failure our whole lives…don’t we?
It starts early. It begins in school when we start getting report cards…when we start getting graded on our performance.
Some of this is good, I liked to get good grades and I’ve always been a rule follower. I’m not in school anymore but for now, this sense of responsibility keeps me doing the things that need to get done like laundry and paying bills and feeding my family. Honestly, there are days I’d rather watch TV and eat chocolate. So learning how to get going and do stuff is very important. We need rules and structure and expectations.
But some of it, this grading, shaming, pressuring, fear based nonsense that goes on in our schools…some of it is just crap.
Here are some things I want to tell my kids but I’m afraid to say them because then the jig might be up on the “grades determine your future” threats that I will be using to get them to do their homework.
But here are some truths:
The world is run by C students. At a certain point, grades don’t matter. People want to hire people and hang around with people who are fun and interesting and kind and creative and intelligent. Some of the kindest, most intelligent, creative, fun, interesting people I know struggled to get good grades in school. This did not mean squat when it came to accomplishing their dreams.
Confidence is very important. Hold your head high even when you don’t have a clue what you are doing. Assume everyone else is doing the same.
If you get into Harvard, good luck paying for it.
You may spend years getting an advanced degree from a fancy school and still end up jobless and living at home. This will infuriate your father and me. Consider this not okay.
The sooner you get a job doing something the better off you will be in life. Empty trashcans, clean houses, babysit, mow lawns, wash dishes…do something. Actually, try everything and see how hard it is to really work.
The world doesn’t owe you anything. Humble yourself now so it will be easier later.
A cell phone isn’t free.
All that stuff you are doing for fun now on the Internet? Try to parlay it into a career. Or better yet, invent something new and buy your parents a vacation home.
Spending time in nature is not a waste of time. Feed your soul. Talk to God. Spend time alone.
Stop watching reality TV. It is a waste of time and it’s not real. Except Real Housewives of New Jersey…that is truth.
No matter how desperate you are, don’t ever go on The Bachelor. It would embarrass me much more than it would if you brought home a C on your report card.
They are going to ask you what you want to do for the rest of your life when you are 18 and entering college. Heck, nowadays they may make you decide in junior high! This is total BS. No one knows! I STILL don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. Smile, pick something, hold your head up and try it. When you change your mind and your major the next year, don’t worry about it. Dad and I understand. Have fun figuring it out. There are so many exciting things to try!
On that note, try new activities at all ages. Just because you didn’t belong to the Country Club and practice golf with a pro from the age of 3 doesn’t mean you can’t learn to golf as an adult. No door is shut. Same thing goes for tennis and sailing and yoga and hiking and running and biking and soccer. Okay…maybe not soccer. You should have started that earlier.
If you are in a situation that calls for you to be either “right” or “kind”…choose kind. It’s always more important.
Money has nothing to do with happiness. Be authentic and love with your whole heart. You can be broke and blissfully happy when you do this.
Having said all of this, good luck this year in school. If you don’t get straight A’s, we will be taking away your cell phone.
Sweet dreams!
©2013 Sue Bidstrup, Great Big YES™ All Rights Reserved
A lot of this post was obviously written tongue in cheek. However, I am gravely concerned about our kids and the pressure they are under to perform and meet unrealistic expectations in school and in sports and extracurricular activities. If you have not had a chance to watch “A Race to Nowhere” please look at the trailer here and then find the movie in your area so you can watch it. www.racetonowhere.com Our kids are suffering. We know better. Let’s do better.
While in Carmel, I was thinking of school starting and the amount of homework my kids have. Ughhh
The cottage we stay in is owned by two elderly Standford grads. (they met in college) I read their Standford 50th Reunion book and it was an eye opener. Each Standford grad wrote a page on what they were doing since they graduated. Half the graduates did not work in their chosen field (including this couple). Most have been through tough times, whether it be death of a child. a loved one. the world war, loss of job, or dissatisfaction with chosen career. They are not all successful (financially). However, the happiest alumni seem to be the ones who could go with the flow and adapt. They wrote of friends, family and hobbies they took up since that time. The most unhappy ones seem to be the ones who only wrote about how successful they were in their careers and how hard they studied while at Standford. So I learned that A. One doesn’t necessarily have to attend the best college to be successful. and
B. Success doesn’t necessarily mean making loads of money or kudos from your colleagues. C. This time with our kids is going by way too fast. Spend is wisely.
Great post. Thanks, Sue. Confidence, learning to work, and being your authentic self are all so important.
I absolutely believe in setting expectations for your kids, and As in honors classes may be part of them. I constantly remind myself, though, that the expectations should be based on my kids’ individual strengths, weaknesses and personalities, and our family values, not on agendas that others may be pushing.
One thing that many parents suffer from nowadays, is that they buy into all the hype about achieving A’s or nothing. No one wants to admit that their kid might just be an average kid. There’s nothing wrong with average.
My son was an LD (reading) kid from first grade on, and now he’s a Petty Officer 2nd class in the U.S. Navy. He’s a Seabee, in a Construction Battalion. He’s also a fantastic mechanic, and carpenter, and while on his second deployment to Iraq achieved the Navy equivalency of an Associates Degree. Not too bad.
Robert – I love this -thank you for sharing. This is so true. I have found myself falling into the trap of buying all the hype – it’s a struggle for many parents. But you are so right, there is nothing wrong with average. Accepting and believing in our kids and loving them no matter what will help them to have a wonderful future no matter what their grades are in high school.
As a freshmen this year, my son is taking an A.P. class and the rest Honors classes. Why are AP classes offered to freshmen? Isn’t the whole point of A.P. classes to earn college credit…meaning the courses are being taught at a college level and/or covering the same amount of material as a college coursel? Are 14 year olds developmentally prepared to learn at this level? And do they need to be even concerned with earning college credit? This should be another example of how there is a lack of common sense in our school systems and culture. My high school continually uses the increased number of AP classes offered as a very positive sign that the school is advancing. This is very sad.
Keri – It’s crazy. The school brags about it, the kids brag about it, the parents brag about it and then everyone who is not taking AP classes feels like a loser. Why are we teaching our kids to feel like they are “not enough” when the expectations are out of line and not appropriate? I’m worried about their spirits. They are enough…every single one of them, regardless of what level classes they are taking…they are enough. Thank you for your comment.
Amen! I try so hard to stay in summer mode as long as possible. That feeling of being relaxed, content, anonymous, and not caring about what anyone else or their kids are doing. Its getting harder this week! I’m actually going to share this post with my oldest daughter! I want her to know how ridiculous all of this pressure–social, academic, athletic is! I want her to be smart, confident and kind. I don’t want her to feel like she has to keep up with anyone but herself. I love your posts Sue, this one especially hits home for me!
I love this! I’ve been a fan of “Race To Nowhere” since it first came out and have seen my own children lose their love of learning and motivation as they’ve progressed through the system. That being said, I struggle not to get caught up in the ridiculousness of “over achievement”. I’ve heard it said that parenting is the most competitive sport around. I find myself shying away from the usual circles to avoid conversations about grades, sports, activities…it’s exhausting. Thanks for the reminder that we have a choice of how to raise our kids and we’re not alone when we swim against the tide.
Thank you! The start of the school year is always so stressful and this lighten the mood, hopefully!
Awesome post! I recently was told a new study says kids today report feeling the same level of stress as working fathers in the 1950s! It made me sad for our children–yet it didn’t change my expectations for them! Your post reminded me that is important to have high standards for our kids and it also reminded me not to be upset when they don’t meet those standards–because in the long run it doesn’t matter how many times they fail, just that they get back up! The post made me smile–the truth usually does that 🙂
Kate – I loved what you said. It made me realize that when my kids fall down it doesn’t mean I’ve failed as a parent. In fact, it just means they’re trying and that’s a good thing. And the fact that they keep getting up is a really good thing.
Sue, I love this post! You are singing my tune. I wanted to share a Ted talk that people are talking about regarding 20 year olds and how many of them are floundering even though they “jumped through all the right hoops.”
http://www.ted.com/talks/meg_jay_why_30_is_not_the_new_20.html
Meg Jay also wrote a book for 20 somethings and anyone who loves a 20 something, called “The Defining Decade, Why Your twenties matter-and how to make the most of them now.”
Even though my girls are only 13 and 11, I think what she has to say makes so much sense.
Good luck next week!